2314: For three months, I’ve navigated the depths of bereavement, desensitizing myself to lingering thoughts. A kind colleague, who recalls my reflections on my child, urged me to fully move on. Twenty-two years, over half my life, etched laughter lines into aged furrows. She noticed my youth slipping away, despite efforts to restore it. Resilience once meant reversing time’s unkindness. Remarkably, my once barren desk plants now flourish, symbolizing renewed life. Memories of my child filled gaps where time had halted, a parent’s wish to preserve moments. Yet, this stasis flared my autism, making adaptation difficult. I found solace in careful composition and speaking only when concrete thoughts emerged. I need to embrace this forward-thinking mindset, avoiding the back and forth. Public speaking, like Toastmasters, corrected my hesitations, albeit briefly. My friend’s challenge was to inspire others with a sense of warmth and reassurance, highlighting a clear path forward. This isn't about obscuring capability but focusing on what truly matters and the steps to achieve it.
0507: When I get sick, my body seems to instinctively heal, much like my mind, although the veins visible on my head might suggest areas needing repair. The most prominent are on my right temple, with some on the left. I liken these to the varicose veins on my leg, developed during basic training from the strain of lifting bunk bed posts. These observations are shared with a remote physician aiding my recovery, one motivated not by wealth but by a genuine desire to help. Interestingly, I attract or gravitate toward such people, much like how children and animals are drawn to me. Though life is manageable now, I aspire to return to working on Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning, fields I once delved into as a content creator and student. Both require significant time, effort, and money, although content creation can be financially rewarding when others find value in your work. Academic work, however, often sees the intellectual property and ideas ending with the school. This caution has shaped my approach to work, avoiding actions that might impact resources and constraints. Ultimately, I aim to develop something to manage day-to-day tasks organically, making leadership more manageable and freeing us to enjoy the work we love. It's about a journey to a destination we can pursue together.
0411: As another semester began, we would get the same books, accumulating a vast collection over the years. Surprisingly, the heaviest items during a move were the books, outweighing even my 80 lbs, 40 lbs, and 20 lbs vests. Perhaps the library was lost at sea, sorted in a crate that didn’t account for its bulk. I remember the box, numbered sequentially like Marina’s belongings, which she’d call kismet. The only items of hers that survived were the small computers I built. With last year’s events somewhat blurry, I reviewed my insurance and purchases, discovering I had insured some missing jewelry. It might have been discarded during an old clothing purge when my father stayed here. A tug at my heart suggests I subconsciously remember it. Despite searching my purchases, I couldn’t find anything of equivalent value, indicating a possible error in coverage. This wasn’t a major concern but a lingering memory. I don’t think the insurance was for my child, but none of my colleagues know, making it one less expense. Pruning my possessions consoles me, allowing me to let go of past worries. In this state, I feel most productive, shedding the weight of concerns and finding solace in simplification.
1207: We spoke of heroes as if they were real, unlike the film "My Father the Hero" I watched with my kid in 1994, starring Katherine Heigl and Gérard Depardieu. That silly movie, about a father mending his relationship with his child in the Bahamas, resonated deeply because it captured a spectrum of emotions that mirrored what my kid saw in me. I questioned if I could be the man she envisioned, someone who could defy gravity. Despite the reality of our mortality and the dangers I faced to improve physically and mentally, she believed I could reset my body and mind when misaligned. We struggled to understand a recurring resonance, a natural progression as technology and my understanding evolved. I needed to control the energy within me, sometimes invisible but recognizable through an elevated heat signature or electrical fluctuation. My kid thought this bioelectric charge could benefit space travel, designing a suit akin to a Faraday cage. The challenge was allowing necessary signals to pass through. This was her last project, inspired by a dream I shared about the sun. Reflecting on that old movie, I realized I often shared startling dreams, prompting us to solve improbable scenarios. I remember these moments vividly, often coinciding with significant days. Feeling time is strange, but carpe diem—seize the day. To all who supported us, you are heroes. I won’t be making a suit but plan to wear magnetized accessories to manage my interference. I have a discreet design in mind, a small item for a belt. No, I’m not Batman, but a utility belt seems fitting.
0130: I've noticed an increase in signal boosters around my area, likely to counter what emanates from my apartment. After scouring every device I own, I found nothing unusual. To verify, I used an old site survey device for detecting dead spots, obtained from a logistics agency. It was an old-school frequency scanner that resurfaced unexpectedly. Out of curiosity, a friend suggested I scan myself, and the device went berserk, fluctuating in sync with my pulse. It wasn’t my Garmin watch, as the readings persisted even after I removed it. Similarly, a multimeter registers me as having a charge, which is peculiar since I feel no jitters. I recall being struck by lightning during a drive, causing my car to flicker and stop. It was a dark, stormy backroad, a misjudged turn when my GPS lost coverage. This happened during a cross-country trip, a common occurrence in May, often ending with extensive after-action reports and lessons learned, interspersed with jovial events linked to my tasks. I strive to flow my words and thoughts seamlessly again; I'm making progress. Regardless of what you read, my intent is to demonstrate unexplored healing methods. It might not be as simple as finding a unique beacon or signature but rather a distant destination. Look up to your path, glance down only to pick yourself up or others, and continue each step, rotation, and pulse. Recognize its presence, even if fleeting, and keep moving upward and forward. The journey never ends.
