0523: This week, I've battled a fever, coughing up pinkish or red-tinged mucus—a likely result of nasal dryness triggering minor bleeding and subsequent natural expulsion. Despite self-testing confirming no illness, symptoms resembling a head cold persist, an observation echoed by a colleague. These episodes coincide with resurgent dreams, albeit less lucid than before, where I found myself amidst a cinematic dream sequence—a familiar scenario unfolding in a changing room. Juggling four outfit changes in a day, including fitness attire, formal wear for ceremonies, duty uniform, and casual clothes for morale events, the dream centered on these transitions. Recalling past remarks likening my swift costume changes to Superman, notably during the Cyberspace Symposium, hints at a subconscious connection between my dream state and real-world experiences. A longing to return to lucid dreaming, free from work-related themes that have dominated for too long, signifies a personal benchmark of recovery or a return to baseline functionality. Dreaming, particularly at a primal level akin to "machine code," not only offers restorative rest but also serves as a conduit for envisioning future endeavors or creative expressions beyond verbal communication—a sentiment encapsulated in the phrase "simplicity is beauty and beauty is truth."
0327: This morning, I may have inadvertently upset my Coast Guard colleague, who also serves as one of my editors and a dear friend. It's essential to clarify this since our connection originated from a joint challenge during the pandemic, making it fitting to mention that I've committed to participating in at least one challenge monthly. May's challenge entails a rigorous 50-mile ruck march for Soldiers Against Suicide (SAS), a cause close to my heart. However, I wish to emphasize that I won't be seeking donations or contributions for this endeavor or any similar future challenges; my participation is purely from a social consciousness standpoint. As I've mentioned in previous communications, due to my acute farsightedness, I might not readily recognize individuals in person, but rest assured, I appreciate your support and presence. Feel free to honk or say hello if our paths cross. Additionally, I won't be sharing photos of the challenge, particularly given the concerns about running in colder weather; instead, I'll carry warm and positive thoughts with each stride, embracing the spirit of Spring. If you haven't heard from me recently, know that I'm still here, sending warm regards to all.
0207: Over the years, rumors circulated about my substantial income streams, which, while partially true, were largely speculative. They served as catalysts for ventures that, a decade or so ago, would have seemed implausible but now make perfect sense. These financial maneuvers were ultimately redirected towards securing my daughter's future, a fact acknowledged by my family, who recognized my strategic financial planning focused not just on necessity but purpose. The complexity arises from familial dynamics, where decisions made on your behalf can lead you down unexpected paths, a phenomenon not unique to any particular member. If there were anyone I would have confided in about Marina, it would have been my mother or sisters. The turning point came with my ex-partner, who found solace and purpose through me amid life's uncertainties, especially after Marina's arrival. She had no support system outside of us and her close friends, relying solely on me or a neighbor in times of crisis. Last summer, the desire to share everything with my family grew stronger, but prerequisites needed to be met, including completing courses and arranging for my daughter's potential relocation. My aspiration to become an astronaut for Marina's sake, supported by colleagues who believed in my capability, now seems improbable post-health crisis, as I grapple with sleep deprivation and other challenges. Our plans, once vivid and promising, have faded, leaving behind a void in the trajectory we envisioned. Marina's absence is deeply felt; she possessed a remarkable ability to find solutions and uplift others, embodying resilience and positivity even in adversity. Family remains central, though uncertainties cloud my vision beyond the immediate future. The journey, however uncertain, is navigated one day at a time, with glimpses of hope for what lies ahead. Please note that any mention of my ex or counterpart from the Coast Guard may result in post alterations, reflecting a need for privacy and legal constraints. These reflections encapsulate the ongoing struggle to reconcile past aspirations with present realities, all while honoring Marina's memory and the values she embodied.
